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Sunday, April 23, 2006
9:39 PM
ramblings
i don't really know what to say...
i don't even know why i went to blogger, signed in, then clicked new post...
i just want to type in whatever deranged ramblings enter my very obviously disturbed mind...
*sigh*... okay... well... here goes...
i know that it's stupid to just assume something... especially when it concerns important aspects of your life...
actually... one the most important aspects of your life...
but... i just can't help it...
i really feel that... there's nothing...
no more... i'm just waiting in vain... nada... NOTHINGNESS.
i desperately hope that i'm wrong...
Lord, please let me be wrong...
i hate myself... i mean...
why must i always freakin' care too much?!?
why can't i be like him... he doesn't care...
i can feel that... [again, i hope i'm wrong...]
damn! why the phukk am i even including these in my post if i'm hoping that they're wrong?
if i don't really mean them...
*sigh*... it's because it's how i feel...
and that's why i'm crushed...
i can't understand why... i can't sleep at night without crying for about a good solid 2 hours...
at first... i felt that maybe you needed your space...
so i disappeared for a week...
then, i couldn't take it anymore... plus, i thought maybe something happened to you, churva-etchasness...
hten i found out that you were fine... i tried to contact you...
no reply.
i tried and i tried and i tried and i tried...
i tried for a week...
no reply.
i couldn't understand why...
i mean... yeah, sure... there are lots of reasons... possibilities...
but i just can't erase the assumption that... that... nada... nothing...
i don't know the truth... at least not yet...
i'm prepared for the worst... very prepared... and you know what? i'm not hoping for the best... definitely NOT. it's off of my list...
damn.
i don't want to live like this anymore...
i don't want to love like this anymore...
always afraid... always worried... always sad... always unloved...
i want what the other people have...
a love wherein the both of you actually speak with each other... wherein the girl is the girlfriend and the boy is the boyfriend... NOT the other way 'round... wherein both of you don't doubt the other... because you actually show your love...
you know what? love is more than just telling the person "i love you"...
because anyone can do that... anyone can fool another person with that crap.
you have got to show your love... first of all... DON'T ever ignore the person that you "claim" that you "love"...
if you really love the other person, the she doesn't need to schedule for a daily conversation with you...
keep the other person updated... because one day you might still love her... but the next day... *poof*!! koko krunch... then the girl is sending you msgs hoping that you still love her...
c'mon... don't make the other person look stupid...
BE SENSITIVE.
*sigh* i'm not saying that you never loved me... but hey, it could have just been crap and schit... right?
i'm sorry... it's just that...
i really feel that you're gone...
and that really sucks...
i'm not mad at you... i don't regret anything...
and believe me, i was very happy with you... despite the flaws of our relationship...
yes... WAS. because right now, i'm not really happy... i'm miserable...
because... it might be... fuch... i can't even type the phukkin' word...
it might be *insert phukkin' word* between us...
look... i'm happy when i'm with you...
when we ACTUALLY communicate with each other...
fyi: it is a two-way relationship... NOT one-way... okay? give it some thought.
*sigh*... ich liebe dich...
i'm just not sure if you still feel the same way...
and that really sucks.
damn... that's also why i'm so phukkin' mad...
not at you... slightly at me... but mostly... just simply mad...
and because of that... i'm going mad...
damn damn damn... i so wanna escape from this schittie phukkin' summer "vacation"...
fuch... i have to go...
my tears are starting to flow...
AGAIN.
[sorry about the language.]
...the end...
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