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Friday, October 24, 2008
4:02 PM
what's going on in my mind...
this is my side of the story...
he broke up with me because i DIDN'T love myself.
yes, i said DIDN'T. his breaking up with me gave me the motivation to actually love myself..
for me first and foremost. then for him. mostly for us.
honestly, in a way.. i always knew that i didn't love myself.. even after the december incident..
it's just that that break up made me feel that if i didn't change overnight... he'd never come back to me.
and i didn't want to lose him... so i changed overnight..
well, at least i tried to make it seem that way.. but deep down inside, i was still troubled with self-destructive thoughts..
i wanted to tell him.. i really did.. but i felt that if i did... he'd leave me. and never come back..
so i just let it bottle up inside..
it wasn't always like this.. he used to be supportive.. when i hurt myself.. he'd be sad.. but he'd just comfort me and ask me not to do it again.. if i did it again, he'd say that slip ups are normal and that i shouldn't beat myself up for slipping up.
but i made him think that i changed overnight.. so i can't really blame him for expecting too much from me..
no more cutting.
no more speaking of such things.
no more thinking of such things.
no more tendencies.
no more urges.
no more intentions.
for a person who has had that problem for a number of years, changing that overnight was a big change. a big step. a drastic step.
i admire him for being able to do that for me..
i admire him for quitting smoking just like that. though he had slip ups, it wasn't that bad..
and i really admire him for that.
but i'm not like that.. i needed time.. time to change..
and i needed him.. because he was really supportive.. i'd like to say that he was supportive all throughout my recovery period... but there were times that he wasn't..
and i'm not angry about that.. no one is perfect..
but there were times that i felt as though i couldn't tell him everything anymore..
not even about that self-destructive problem. he'd just get angry... grow tired... and leave....
so i bottled it up.. dug a big hole in my heart... and shoved all my troubles in there....
then that fight happened.. the fight that really ended it all...
it was also the night that i broke down... i just let it all out.. and i couldn't control myself...
everything i tried to keep hidden just to prevent us from falling apart was revealed...
eveything i bottled up and shoved in just came out...
while we were fighting.. i was trying to stop myself.. but i couldn't not anymore...
he has to understand that i needed time to change.. but he rushed me..
he may not have intentionally did it.. but i was pressured to change overnight just so he wouldn't leave me..
what makes this hurt even more is the fact that i was making so much progress..
even though i was just hiding the negative thoughts, i knew i was making progress.. though slow, there was progress..
the urge to cut was gone.
the tendency to cause harm to myself was gone.
the only thing left were the thoughts.
one last step..
i just needed to drain everything i hid..
and when i did that... he left..
i can't blame him for leaving.. i hid a lot of thoughts.. and bombarding him with all of those thoughts all at once was too much for him.. i can understand that..
but in a way... i just wish he didn't give up. because i was 90% recovered. i sincerely believe that..
and if he doesn't notice or appreciate that...
then it's his mistake.
as i said in the beginning of this post.. i DIDN'T love myself.
i do now..
speaking with one of my dearest friends help me realize and see just how mean and cruel i was to myself.
plus, i saw that i was making my own problems.
i'm tired of that. i'm tired of always having that heavy feeling.
so stopped hating myself.
and you know what? it's basically what's helping me cope with this break-up.. :)
the first two break-ups i experienced (one with my ex and the other was the december incident) was hell for me.
i couldn't function normally..
now, if you see me, you wouldn't even think that we're broken up.. not until i tell you.. then you'd see in my face just how sad i really am..
i understand why he left me.. i hid my thoughts, so he just couldn't understand why i was that way..
not like before.. when i always told him.. because i still believed that he'd never leave me no matter what.
i'd like to say that i still believe in that. but in a way.. i no longer do.
it's not like i intended to hide it from him. in a way, i did.. because i didn't want to lose him..
but in a way, i didn't.. because everytime i was with him, everything seemed fine..
and the negative things that were in my mind just went away..
i just feel that this break-up is unfair..
he's the only one who gets to decide what happens to us..
i know i made my mistakes.. and he has his limits..
but didn't he make mistakes as well? don't i have my limits too?
and yet i never gave up on you.. never will. ever.
i know you're tired.. tired of me? i honestly don't know..
i'm sorry if you feel that i pushed you to the limit.
i guess i just pushed myself too hard as well..
and that led to your giving up on me.
i just wanted to make you happy.
but that wasn't enough for you..
because you want me to think of myself too.
and i thank you for being selfless..
i love myself now..
i hope you love yourself as well..
i'll give you all the time you need. :)
i do hope you read this.. maybe this can help clear things up. :)
i have a vague concept of your side of the story..
at first i wanted to write it here as well, but i don't want to publicly assume anything..
i'll wait for you to open up to me. :)
i love you. always have. still do. always will. <3
yup, that's basically what's going on in my mind. haha.
...the end...
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